It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
