I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
