Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
