I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
