And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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