dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
