This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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