i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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