Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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