I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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