when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
