I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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