I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
