he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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