so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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