you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
and you fell through a lawn chair
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
