Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
