i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
