she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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