I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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