i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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