Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
