i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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