I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
