I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
