if you like me you must not know who I am
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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