maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
