Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
