Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
