Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
