i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
