and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
