My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
