do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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