i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
