Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Blood and glitter go together right?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
