i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
