My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
