3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
