When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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