I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
