I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
