i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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