i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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