I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
