sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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