Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
