I wanna bring you to show and tell
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Randomize
