If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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