checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
