i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
