trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
