I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
