i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
